Essentially a Post Where I Whine. Alot.

Sometimes, late at night, when it's just me and my computer, I find myself asking the questions I'd never dream of asking during the day. At the end of the day, I know the answer though, and the answer breaks my heart.

Even trying to get them out now is harder than it should be.  These last few weeks have been incredibly difficult for me. The beginning of the month marked a very important date to me, even if it went completely unnoticed by others. I lost somebody very dear to me, and for the first time, though I'd never so much as hinted at needing support before, I felt very alone.

Mid month would have been my ten year anniversary with the Big Green, and though I haven't regretted leaving it for more than a minute, all that I'd turned my back on stung a little.
Then last week I received another blow about my seemingly never ending health saga, and when I reached out, which in itself is a rarity, I found myself systematically shut out.

You know when one thing feels like it leads to another, and another and another? Suddenly I felt completely overwhelmed by everything. It felt like my meticulously constructed, safe little life was crumbling and I was powerless to stop it.

My husband, bless his goofy aspie heart, tried. He really tried. But he couldn't give me back what I felt was lost.
So I sit, musing, writing, musing.
I'll cry later.

Why Indeed

It's been a hard two weeks for Mommy Mab and her littles. First gastro, then scarlet fever, then gastro again...then Mommy Mab got bronchitis. Ickiness all around. Plus, making matters more unbearable than usual the Lack has been poking its nasty head out wherever it can. Boo on all counts.

Today I decided to engage in an activity I take great pleasure in: planning my success. Now, depending on my mood this game can take many forms; from the banal imagining winning the lottery to the elaborate-become a late in life highly sought after actress [Hey, it could and will happen...just wait!].

Given that I was plodding away at the Big Green, where for the last two days its been my job to unwrap hundreds of usb sticks and repackage them with monogrammed notebooks. I decided to re-investigate the mini executive MBA program I've been trying to borrow funds from pretty much anyone to attend.

After all my proverbial ducks were in a row, meaning I'd discovered nobody wanted to give me the money and I'd need a student loan if I decided to go through with it, I remembered the fellow I'd been speaking with had mentioned that the program was eligible for employer tax incentives. So I decided to call my lovely HR Generalist to get her opinion.

'Oh Beaver' she practically cooed. 'Why on Earth would you want to take that course?' she giggled. 'You'd never be approved anyways. What benefit would a course like that have for someone at your level?'
I admit, I'd hoped she'd be a little helpful, but I hadn't expected the saccharine, patronising, attitude. I rebutted that I'd already submitted my application and been accepted based on my work experience and existing degree. 'Oh Dear, why do you even want to bother?'  I thanked her for her time and advise.

So why do I even bother? Because I do, damn it. I bother alot. I may not rattle the cage as wildly as I did in my younger days, but I can still give it a swift kick if I'm of mind to.  Just wait Big Green, I'll show you...I'll show everybody.

Remind Me Why We Do This Again?

Can somebody please remind me why I would think it was a good idea to pull Halloween off by myself this year?  Was it ego? Maybe. Hubris? Very possibly. Though to be fair I did ask for help...but nobody was able to...which I thought was fine, at the time.

Le sigh. Try to picture me chasing two six year olds [one of whom, English is not his native language] and a nearly three year old through the damp, dark suburban jungle shrieking  at the top of my lungs,
'No! Stay off the street. Ignore the leaves! No! Don't ring the doorbell over and over again! Stop! Wait for me! '

I'm sure I looked and sounded positively deranged. Vanity aside, I had the brilliant [naturally] idea that I would leave my bowl of candy on my steps and visitors to my house [which I was of course not at, as I was busy howling through my neighbourhood] would each take one piece of candy in an orderly fashion and proceed to the next house. Okay, so I might have been naive...

I arrived home to find two crying children dressed as mini-cheerleader-zombie things on my doorstep peering at the empty bowl while their father felt the need to explain that 'Those wild teenagers!' had just taken all the candy, and what would his zombie-cheerleaders do now?  Apologising profusely [while trying to wrangle Roo who wanted to pee and eat her candy at the same time] I hurried into the house and refilled the bowl and distributed 'extra' candy for his children's duress.

Thus ends my Halloween.  How was yours?