Sometimes, late at night, when it's just me and my computer, I find myself asking the questions I'd never dream of asking during the day. At the end of the day, I know the answer though, and the answer breaks my heart.
Even trying to get them out now is harder than it should be. These last few weeks have been incredibly difficult for me. The beginning of the month marked a very important date to me, even if it went completely unnoticed by others. I lost somebody very dear to me, and for the first time, though I'd never so much as hinted at needing support before, I felt very alone.
Mid month would have been my ten year anniversary with the Big Green, and though I haven't regretted leaving it for more than a minute, all that I'd turned my back on stung a little.
Then last week I received another blow about my seemingly never ending health saga, and when I reached out, which in itself is a rarity, I found myself systematically shut out.
You know when one thing feels like it leads to another, and another and another? Suddenly I felt completely overwhelmed by everything. It felt like my meticulously constructed, safe little life was crumbling and I was powerless to stop it.
My husband, bless his goofy aspie heart, tried. He really tried. But he couldn't give me back what I felt was lost.
So I sit, musing, writing, musing.
I'll cry later.
