Poor, Poor, Beaver Blog

Here's the thing about having a blog...not updating it, doesn't mean you don't have anything to say. On the contrary, usually it means you have too many things to say.

I've felt completely smothered by words over the last few months; first waves, then just a gradual drowning; so gradual, I didn't even realise it had happened until it was too late.
So late, that the mere act of writing them all down felt completely overwhelming. I just felt, so much-too much- everything.

Everything I wrote seemed too angry, too self-pitying, too accusatory, too heartbroken. There just seemed to be a never ending flow of words. Too personal. Too mean.

I don't consider myself a cruel person; I have my moments, but I've always tried to put out into the world what I wanted back. So when things went wrong, I felt like they were going wrong on an epic scale.

I thought I had something, but I broke it somehow. I don't think I'll ever really know what I did. I'm sure there was a list. But it broke part of my heart I thought I'd forgotten. Hell, it broke something I didn't think I had to break.

I coped poorly. Which is to say I broke the rules by which I judge others so harshly. I hurt other people who cared about me, and for that, I can only hope to earn their forgiveness.

Pardon my french, but it just seemed like the proverbial clusterfuck. My friend's father found out he had terminal cancer, which in itself was horrible enough, but then he asked that I stay with him and his family while he was in hospice. Apparently he felt I'd make everybody laugh...and because I'd known him since I was eight I agreed. But it was harder than I thought hard could be. I know in the end, I made the right decision, but still. Having to speak at a funeral to a congregation of people who were only listening because the guy in the coffin told them they had to listen was very disheartening.

Then I broke a promise to somebody who'd never been anything but sweet to me; the shame I felt just added to the guilt I was already feeling about everything else. So the cycle continued.
I hurt, and my hurt spilt over.

This is already way too long, and way too whiny and full of self pity. I apologise to everyone who has read until the end, but thank you for listening.